– WARNING: Spoilers ahead for the new film, 300; but since the movie contains only a scant plot, it shouldn’t detract from your enjoyment of the show. –

Handsome Hubbiness and I managed to escape again last Friday night for the second week in a row!! Imagine me doing the Elaine dance with the thumbs (from Seinfeld), and you will know what my happy dance looks like. Actually, it’s lamer than that.

Since I was inexplicably in the mood for something loud and subplot-free and Hubby never complains about those types of little movie quirks, we went to see 300. The film is based on the Battle of Thermopylae (pronounced like “Monopoly”; I looked it up) in 480 B.C. between 300 Spartans and a gazillion Persions (I’m pretty sure that’s the accurate number for the Persian hordes). In this case “based on” means that they have the 300 and gazillion numbers about right, but they add things to the bad guys cadre such as a giant with what seem to be huge lobster claws for arms and hulking elephants and rhinos that have been either dieting on steroids or were born in Middle Earth.

Wow, is that flick manly! I’m pretty sure they shot that movie on testosterone-soaked film stock. Practically every single frame has blood, guts, whacking, hoo-ah-ing, and other blood-drenched, war-related activities. The only exceptions are the three brief scenes with the naked women, and an almost interesting enough to make “subplot” status political problem back home (mainly this keeps the viewers from getting battle fatigue). Even the end credits have animated blood spattering everywhere! Made Braveheart look like A Walk to Remember.

If you typically like “guy” movies and aren’t terribly bothered by things like fictional beheadings, 300 is thrilling in that “Oh my gosh, OUR PLANE IS CRASHING” kind of way, and it is awe-inspiring to actually look at. The colors are washed out and high contrast-y, giving it a stark grittiness; and Gerard Butler who plays King Leonidas (the lead) is unbelievably strong and charismatic (I liked him back when he played Dracula in Dracula 2000. Please don’t tell anyone that I’ve actually watched that.).

Yes, in between the hacking are only about 50 spoken lines in this movie and half of them are silly, and yes there is a fair amount of random ridiculousness thrown in, and yes the women’s dresses are utterly impractical and the mens’ costumes equally deficient (however, if you like the Mr. Universe contest, you will find something to appreciate here). Despite all that, the battle scenes are fantastic, and the end left me practically giddy with patriotism (another thing I may or may not admit to upon future questioning).

This movie works because it is full of unapologetically strong men, men who rush out to protect the things they love regardless of personal cost, even if they know the cost is certain death. How can you not love that? What says “I love you” more strongly than decapitation? If your husband has been feeling a little put-upon lately or has a boss at work who makes him feel like a drone, help him find his hidden “hoo-ah” by taking him to this movie. You can close your eyes through it if you want; he won’t be watching you.

Rachel

Written by Rachel Shubin ~ Fiendish friend for effusive fun!